So much grace amidst so much pain

On Saturday evening, at about 20:15, our good and long-time friend Deela Dyck passed away. Deela was diagnosed with Ovarian cancer about three years ago. She leaves behind our good friend Al and three kids, roughly the same age as our kids, Daniel, Bobby and Katie (leave a message on their blog).

I want to tell you about Deela. Sophie and I are grieving a lot right now. I want to tell you about her amazing faith, her calmness and peacefulness, what a great mother she was, and how she was a good friend to us. Most of all, I want to tell you about the grace I saw God pouring out even this weekend in the midst of all this pain and sorrow.

We live in a fucked-up world. I know I am not supposed to say the ‘f-word’  or write it, but cancer is evil. When Sophie’s dad died in 2003 as a result of cancer I remember being so outraged at the evil in the world. To me cancer personifies that evil so well: one bad cell, multiplying itself undetected, eating and infecting good cells, first showing up as ‘strange growth,’ then shutting down vital bodily functions and always working towards its target: killing its host. In the process the victim waists away.

We already knew the Dycks before they moved to Holland in 2001, but they quickly became good friends. It was mostly the kids that formed the bridge: I think that without them we would not have gotten so close. Though Al and Deela work with Christian Associates, the same organisation we are part of, they come from the Mid-West in the U.S. In lots of ways Al and Deela were opposites to us: they were American, we were European. They were Republicans; had we been American we would have been democrats (Al and I once had lots of fun switching each others homepages to the websites of the opposite political parties )!
But while our friendship started around our kids, it quickly blossomed on its own. Deela and Sophie both are great cooks, and Al and I worked closely together in CAI’s Europe office. Al is great fun to work with, and together we have traveled to a number of European cities – which was always so much fun.

And our families vacationed together. We spent a week together in the Alps in the South of France. Al coaxed me into jumping from a really high mountain attached to a parapente instructor – something that was very scary to me. Al loved it, but I won’t do it again. We spent a week together in a holiday centre in Holland called Centreparks – which was also a boatload of fun. And we spent a week together on the beach of Zeeland, where we stayed in a large mansion belonging to the parents of a friend of ours. Our time together was filled with fun, games, sports, walking, good talks, wine and great food.

But in february 2004 Deela had to go to hospital. She went in for a ‘kijk-operatie’ (a viewing operation): she thought she had a cist. That’s when the cancer was discovered. The doctor removed a lot of stuff, including her whole reproductive system.
I can still remember the shock-horror we all felt. Astrid, a friend of ours who works as a nurse with cancer patients, told us ovarian cancer is very aggressive.

We all started praying. By ‘all’ I mean all of us in CAI. I remember that Al and Deela came to the Lisbon summit (a leadership conference that CAI holds in Lisbon every year). I shot a lot of pictures of them there, including the one that is at the top of this article. The following year I interviewed Deela at our annual staff conference. It was a moving interview. By that time she had undergone chemotherapy, lost her hair, experienced some real pain, but her faith and courage, and most of all passion for Jesus were unphased.

This year the situation quickly deteriorated. More aggressive forms of chemotherapy also failed to halt the cancer, though they did slow it down. Deela became sicker and sicker. The Dycks had planned to visit the U.S. for Christmas – sort of a farewell-tour – but the doctor said they should go sooner. They were able to go in October and had a wonderful time. I can only imagine how hard it must have been for Deela: besides being very sick and not having much strength, she was seeing her favourite places and people and saying goodbye.

In the past two-and-a-half years I have made it a point to have lunch with Al regularly, usually about once every month. We go to a place that serves the best burgers this side of the Atlantic (I kid you not) and we talk. About marriage, family, our hearts, Deela, sickness, pain, anger, and lots of stuff. Sophie connected with Deela more than that; she drove to The Hague regularly just to be with Deela.

This last Christmas Al and Deela spent a day with us. Deela just sat in the corner of the couch. She didn’t say much; occasionally she laughed at the kids. She enjoyed a little bit of the food. We watched two movies together.

This last Saturday Sophie brought our second son, Judah, over there to spend the night with Bobby. She sat with Deela. Deela did not say much: at times Deela clearly registered the conversation, but at times she phased out. It was obvious Deela was nearing the end. Sophie suggested Judah should just come home again, but Al asked if Judah could stay, saying it would be good for Bobby. The nurse who was taking care of Deela, said that Deela was not keeping her fluids down, but that her breathing was strong and came from deep within – a sign of strength.

But around 20:15 Judah called. Sophie and I were just sitting down on the couch, wondering what to do with the evening, when he called. “It happened,”  he said.

I drove to the Dycks house and spent a few hours there. It is hard for me to describe to you what I saw and experienced. The next day we went to church in The Hague. For some months now Crossroads The Hague has been caring for two sick people, one of them Deela, the other guy a man named Joy. Both of them died this week. Most knew about Joy’s death, which happened on Tuesday, but there was an audible gasp in the room when Kevin shared that Deela had died the previous evening. After church we went to the Dyck’s place where we sat and talked and ate lunch. Later that afternoon Kevin, Al and myself went to the funeral home to discuss arrangements.

GRACE IN THE MIDST OF PAIN
When Sophie’s dad died I was awe-struck by how evil evil really is. But what has struck me more than anything in the last two days is God’s amazing grace in the midst of such pain.

For instance, take Jeannie. Jeannie Folbrecht and her husband Eric are on staff with the Christian Associates. They live across the road from Al and Deela. Jeannie has a Ph.D. in counseling, and has worked for eight years as a trauma and grief specialist in a hospital in California. She and Eric work together at the office in the Hague. But last Friday Jeannie sat down with Daniel, Bobby and Katie, and prepared them for what was going to happen. She initiated a conversation between them and Deela, in which they were able to say their final things, and Deela was able to say her final things. I know that one thing Deela said to them was what her hope was for each of them.
Then, when Deela, died, Jeannie again helped the kids process that. She was around, baked cookies, cleaned up, found a home-video with Deela on it, which we all sat around and watched – so good to see Deela strong and beautiful (and wow, does Katie look like her!), playing with the kids. We sat and looked at pictures. Jeannie found something belonging to Deela for each of the kids for them to hold on to.
Jeannie is going to be there for them the next few months. What grace!

And what grace to have a community like Crossroads The Hague come around the Dycks! For months now they have cooked meals, cleaned up, and organized care. They have prayed, fasted, wept, cared for the Dycks in every way possible. When I arrived there on Saturday evening Kevin and Kathy Johnson, pastor of Crossroads The Hague and his wife) were already there. Kathy was holding Katie close and reading to her on the couch. Kevin was around, helping Al. Later that evening, two of the elders and their wives came by. There were hugs and tears and laughter and relief, and more hugs and tears. Close neighbours and friends dropped by. At 23:15 the funeral home came to get Deela’s body and transport her to the funeral centre. Al and Katie and Kathy picked out something for Deela to wear. What grace in the midst of all that pain for all those friends and community to come around. The nurse and the funeral home people looked as if they had never seen anything like it.

And what grace, that Deela had been able to celebrate the season of Christmas with family and friends. Daniel, Bobby and Al all have their birthday right between Christmas and New year’s – and she really wanted to be there for that. And what grace that she didn’t suffer long. Cancer has a way of delaying the inevitable and lengthening the pain, and Deela feared that. But at the appropriate time I think Jesus came to get her.

What grace the way she went. Deela had her conversation with the kids on Friday night (it was the last conversation she had). Through out Saturday she kept getting worse. Al and the nurse took turns caring for her. Then, at 19:30 Al said his final things to Deela, how he loved her, was going to miss her, was thankful for her. Then he prayed: "Lord Jesus, would you come get her now? She's ready to go with you."

Deela died half an hour later.

What grace!

I really believe Jesus did come and take her. The Bible says: precious in the eyes of the Lord is the death his Saints (Ps 116:15). Deela was one of his Saints, and her death was precious to Him.

The nurse was blown away. She asked: how can Deela not be afraid? How can you all be so peaceful? Before she left I heard her say to herself: there’s lots here to think about (“ik heb weer veel om over na te denken”).

AND NOW?
I don’t know about life after death. What it’s like, what happens. I don’t really believe in ‘pearly gates’ where St. Peter receives you and checks whether you should get in.
It seems to me from scripture that heaven is really a lot like earth – but lots better. Life here is a fallen and broken reflection of life there, I believe. This world really is fucked-up, that world is not. Things are right there -- and whole. It is the way this world should have been, yet still better. God who is so present with us here, is even more present with us there. And yet, there too, we discover Him. If life here is a journey, I believe life there is too: a wild, exciting, beautiful, healing and meaningful journey. A journey with no cancer – in any of its forms. A journey where we discover who we are, especially as we discover who he He is. In the light of that I want to say: sweet travels, Deela. Thanks you for allowing us in on your journey here. Fare you well where you are now.

Comments

[Troy Cady]

Wow. This was just so touching to read, Ro. Thanks for that.

Troy

[Heather]

Thanks, Ro. This is beautiful. See you soon.
Hugs,
H

[Daphne]

Rogier, dank je wel voor het nemen van de tijd om dit mooie verhaal over Deela te schrijven. A blessing to read!
Daphne

[Al]

Ro, thanks so much - Deela would be well honored - I am! I still hold out hope that you may come over to the conservative side. :-)
al

[Ann Steigerwald]

Rogier
I just sat and wept through this story. Thank you so much for these words and this perspective. You give expression to much that I feel but can't say. I am so glad you guys could be there this weekend for Al and kids. It is very hard to be so far away right now, but I look forward to seeing you and others in Voorburg this week. Peace to you - Ann

[daniel]

Jullie, als bevriend gezin, ook heel veel sterkte gewenst.
Daniel & Tanja

[Bob Hudson]

Rogier,

Thanks so much for your tribute. It showed Deela's true beauty. Glad to have known her....she was amazing a few years ago when we stayed with them on our sabbatical. Mimi was sick...throwing up and she took our kids to the park, made pizza with them, and played surrogate "mommy" while we were there. Grace & peace to all!.

Bob & Mimi

[manja]

dank je wel rogier voor deze mooie brief.heel veel sterkte ook voor jou en sophie

[Bob G.]

Thanks Rogier for taking the time to so beautifully share your thoughts ... and thanks for being there for the Dycks. They have blessed so many of us and Deela will be missed!

[relevantgirlie]

Ro,

Thanks for writing this. It's beautiful. I cried through it. Deela was one of those truly beautiful people. You captured her well.

Mary DeMuth

[Angela Mills]

Rogier,

don't know if you remember me... my husband Jon and I served in Ireland for 3 years and had the privilege of having some fun with Al & Deela during our SCO in The Hague. I'm the girl who broke down and cried in your living room during the SCO :). Deela made us some wonderful chicken satay and she took it upon herself to encourage and resource a couple of our children's leaders in Ireland. Thank you for writing this and sharing this with me. Precious in the sight of the Lord is the death of his saint, Deela. Say hello to Sophie for me. Thank you again,
Angela

[portland schnitzius]

I spent a great few days with Deela in Portugal at the Leadership Summit right after she was diagnosed. I did not know her well - but I felt the spirit of God all around her. I knew then that she was beginning an amazing journey and was so thankful for her CAI family that would journey with her.

Thank you for this tribute. Our prayers are with Al and the children.

[A Facebook User]

Wow, I sit here having read this and tears are streaming down my face. I came across an old magnetic photo, last thing Deela mailed to me to support her and her family as they went to Europe to plant churches. Deela was for real. I came across this picture and tried to find her on facebook. I did find her husband and one of her children. I friend requested them trying to find out how to reach Deela. I had no idea about her passing. She and I worked at Tuomey Hospital in Sumter SC many years ago. I loved that girl, anyone who met her did. She was an amazing nurse. We had some wild adventures in that ER, let me tell you. Her easy way, faith in God really got us through some of those nights I am sure. What a beautiful person she was inside and out. I am sorry I did not keep in touch with her and really sorry I can't connect with her right now. But praise God I will see her again. We will just have to catch up in heaven. Rock on Deela, I am sure you are having a blast. Julie Flowers Wade, Florence SC