THE JOURNEY

I don't have Him, but...

The three transitions I mentioned in my previous post can really mess with your faith. Sometimes it feels like the carpet is being pulled out from right underneath your feet. It’s not that you don’t believe anymore — but it can feel like they way you have always believed suddenly stops working altogether. It’s called an epistemological crisis and lots of people are having them these days: it’s one of the reasons I think Emergent is such a necessary movement: it helps Christians find new ways of believing and practicing here in the postmodern world.

One of the participants this weekend may have been going through an epistemological crisis this weekend. He asked me if I have gone through this (many times) and how I coped. Did I ever feel scared? (Yes). Did I ever wonder if my faith might survive? (Absolutely).
I thought about that and then gave my answer. As I later reflected on what I said in my answer I realized how true it was.

What I said was this: what I have come to realize is that I have had to learn to trust not in the fact that I have Him, but rather that He has me.
I’m thankful for that insight. Over and over in scripture I read that God watches over us and holds us and keeps us. Yet in the middle of these questions regarding faith we get so scared that we might loose Him. As if we have to hold on really tight. The truth is: this is His world, we are His children, nothing scares Him — and He holds on to us.

Why I am not a member of the EO – and never will be

In Holland we have a Christian Broadcasting company. The Dutch broadcasting system has 11 channels (on a population of 16 million); three of which are State-owned. These three channels are divided over 9 Broadcasting major companies, and a bunch of smaller ones. These companies get to produce and broadcast TV programs according to there personal flavor. And so the Evangelical Broadcasting Company, the EO, has been transmitting evangelistic programs into the Dutch airwaves for around 40 years - paid for a large part with tax monies.

Wonderful, you say? No, absolutely horrible! I wish the EO would disappear from Dutch Television today! The intent of the EO has been to reach people with the gospel through TV and Radio, and while this may seem like a good intention, I think they fail spectacularly, and actually are counter-productive.

For people who have little courage...

I just found this on Lammert's blog. It is quite moving.

If you like this, also see link and link

A hero goes home

One of the friends I made in this city died yesterday. He went out to go jogging, had a hard-attack and died. Late last night his wife called us to ask if we had seen him; this morning we received a phone call that he died.

Rob Vermeij was a pastor and church planter here in Rotterdam. After spending many years in Africa as missionaries he and his wife returned to Holland, where they started a church plant out of the Dutch reformed church Delfshaven in an area of Rotterdam called Spangen.

Last year I made a video of Rob in his work as part of a series ‘God and the big City’ (click to watch). I ended the video with Crystal Lewis’ song people get ready. It includes the words:

Let me be a part of the harvest
for the days are few
You’re coming soon

People get ready
Jesus is coming
Soon we’ll be going home.

I had no idea those words would be so literal in Rob’s case.

Last Wednesday, today a week ago, Rob took me out to fly a kite. I knew he enjoyed flying kites, but that wasn’t something I was really into. But Rob had taken it upon himself to take me under his wings after my release from Crossroads. In truth, Rob liked me very much and wanted to see us stay in ministry. So he was quite emphatic: ‘come kiting with me.’ I gave in – more for Rob’s sake than for the kiting.

He drove me and his son Christiaan to a special kiting beach. I thought we would let up some simple kits, but nothing could be further from the truth: the kites Rob and Christiaan flew are huge and powerful. In windforce 6 we let up two kits that simply dragged you all over the beach. It was a major work-out! I had a ton of fun. I made the picture at the top of this article there -- chances are it was the last photo made of him.

Rob also shared his heart. He shared about discouragement and questions he has had to face in life. After he and Marian came back from Africa (they had to flee because of civil war) he became a bus-driver. Was that what he was created for? But he was diligent, and God soon pulled him back into ministry, this time using his cross-cultural expertise in a church plant in one of Rotterdam’s problem areas. As he talked he was full of life and passion.

God, I miss him.

Throwing out my nets

The last few weeks I have worked hard at completing my new business website. This week I finished it, and I feel pretty good about it. I have asked a few people to comment; the feedback was positive.

And so today I am starting to approach potential clients. I have made a long list of people who I will approach personally. I am going to ask two questions: 1. Can I be of service to them personally (now or in the future)? and 2. Could they refer me to friends, colleagues and others in their network? You may receive such an email.

To be honest, it feels weird to be starting this process. One reason it feels weird is because I don't think I am very good at the acquisition process. But a more important reason is that it feels like I am 'going back to fishing', much like Peter went back to fishing after Jesus had died.

Jesus calls Peter to give up everything and to follow Him. Peter leaves his nets right there on the shore of the sea of Galilea. Three amazing years follow. I often wonder to what extent he realized he was seeing the most amazing things anyone would ever see: God himself walking among mankind, healing, feeding, comforting, restoring.
But then Jesus is killed. Peter himself denies Jesus. It seems like the dream is over. What does Peter do? He goes back to fishing.

I don't think my dream is over, but for this moment I think I need to throw out my nets. And it feels weird. It doesn't feel like I am doing what I was made for. And I don't think I have denied Jesus, but I am struggling with a sense of disappointment. With myself, with others. Maybe even with God.

This morning as I got up I found myself thinking about Peter. Twice in scrpture we read that Peter catches an amazing amount of fish. Twice Jesus is on the shore. Twice Peter recognizes Jesus is Lord. It's like Peter is the best fisherman in the whole world when Jesus is right there to bless him.

As I cast out my nets today I am reminded that the success of what I do today does not so much depend on my skill as it does on Jesus' blessing and/or guidance. If he wants to, my nets can instantly become full.

He can provide even when I am not fishing
I think Peter also faced another dilemma. "But Lord," he might have said, "if I don't fish I don't eat!" Yet he chose to leave his nets and I think for the next three years he was always provided for.

I face that same dilemma. Part of me wants to take responsibility for myself and my family, even 'take matters into my own hand' after we have lived on support for a number of years. But part of me wants to trust that God can provide for our needs as we seek to pursue His work. We have experienced over and over again that He takes care of us. Even if 'my nets don't fill up today' there is no reason to worry.

So I have made a decision. I am going to do what I can to cast out my nets. What happens, happens. If they fill up: great — I will serve my clients well. But if they don't, I am going to do the things I need to do to further church planting and leadership development. Plenty to do there. If the Lord wants to provide for us through business-endeavors, great; if he wants to do it in other ways, also great.

Even heroes have dark nights of the soul

Jesus has a very special love for you. As for me, the silence and the emptiness is so great that I look and do not see, listen and do not hear.
— Mother Teresa to the Rev. Michael Van Der Peet, September 1979

Mother Therese has been one of my heroes for a long time now. We preached about her just over a year ago at XRR, and she was one of my favorite people for us to speak about. Her shining example sits in such great contrast to the selfnishness of the consumerist world in which we all must navigate our way.

Yet even heroes have dark nights of the soul. I came across this article about her in Time Magazine this morning. You should read it. Sometimes we think that people like Mother Theresa are just gifted in a way the rest of us are not, or have a special blessing that keeps them from feeling the hard times as hard as the rest of us do.

I think that thought is false. This article shows that Mother Therese wrestled with her faith, with her calling, with the question 'where is God now?' — even with the question if God existed at all. Painful perhaps to read, but encouraging also to the rest of us. To keep going on, putting one foot in front of the other.

If you have any thoughts, I would love to hear them!

New company name - new website

One of the things I have been working very hard on is the completion of a new website for my graphic design/photography business. I have decided to change the name from E-Claire to Studio Rogier Bos. I wanted to complete it before we left on holidays, so that after the holidays I can hit the process of finding new clients pretty hard.

I am interested to hear what you think. Let me know your thoughts - and please refer me to to your friends and colleagues :-)!

Sophie and I will continue to work for Christian Associates. We have a number of significant responsibilities with them in the next few months. Our income (which mostly comes from support) has taken a significant hit in recent months, and my photography/graphic design business, and Sophie's catering business help us be self-supported while we continue working with Christian Associates.

Enjoy the website - let me know your comments!

Colorado Diary III

Today is Friday the 13th. That sounds like the start of an attempt to scare you, but nothing could be further from the truth. I have been here two weeks, and it has been incredibly helpful. I have learned so much about myself, about life, about God. I have a better understanding of the things that drive me and why. I have more insight into my fears and passion, and have been given a large amount of tools to deal with those better.

Perhaps you wonder why I included this image with this post. One reason is because I shot it yesterday on the way to Steamboat Springs. I like it. But I also include it because I sometimes feel like that house: alone against the hill top, in the cold snow, with broken windows, unfit to be lived in.
In the past two weeks I have learned something about how God addresses our brokenness. He does not condemn us. Amidst all the messages of rejection he accepts us, loves us, and goes about repairing us.

I am intensely grateful for the opportunity to have been here. Much of my gratitude goes to Mike and Mary, who have helped me in the last two weeks through this process. We have a saying in CA: "you can't see your own butt" (do I need to explain that?). Mike and Mary have helped me see my dark side, my blind spots, my butt if you will. Well, at least part of it.
I leave tomorrow and fly to California on Sunday. My main prayer is that I can hold on to the many things I have learned here.

There are no moose in Colorado

I just need to tell you this. I have now been in Colorado for two weeks. I have been told about ‘moose,’ these giant animals that are supposed to live all over Colorado – especially in the rockies. They sort of look like deer, except that they are much, much bigger.
I have searched high and low, all over Colorado. Armed with my biggest tele-lenses I have driven over 2000 miles in this great state, all the way to Wyoming. I have seen deer (pictured), foxes, racoons. I have heard coyotes bark and wolves howl in Rocky Mountain National Park – but no matter how hard I have searched, how far I have walked, how intensely I have looked, and how much I have prayed, I have not seen any moose. I leave tomorrow, and amidst all the great things I have seen and experienced in the last two weeks, this is my biggest disappointment.

I therefore need to tell you that Moose are a fable. They are like bigfoot, the Yeti, the terrible snowman. A fairy-tale most likely invented to draw you to this beautiful state. I am not sure why they need such an invention: it’s not like the state lacks anything to draw nature-lovers. But there you have it, my conclusion: Moose do not exist.

Unless of course I still see one tomorrow.

He really has that many books!

One of the people who has had a profound influence in our lives in the last 8 years is Hud McWilliams. Hud is a counselor and psychologist with a Ph.D. He and his wife Nancy are part of CA and as such they have helped us develop a better understanding of ourselves, of God, and of ministry on many occassions. Hud also speaks at most CA gatherings and he always manages to change my view of things in a deep and meaningful way. Needless to say Sophie and I are deeply grateful for Hud and Nancy!

When Hud speaks he always refers to books he has read. He will say something like: 'this author says that ... ' and 'I have read all these books on (for example: anger), but no one talks about ...' You always come away thinking that he must read a fair amount.

Hud and Nancy live in Denver (in my mind I sometimes call Hud the mountain-man), so of course we went to visit them. Hud is a really good cook and when he comes to our house he and Sophie always enjoy discussing forms of culinary artistry. Well of course Sophie wasn't going to pass up the opportunity to now have Hud prepare a meal for her. She was quite clear with Hud that she had high expectations, and Hud clearly knew he had to deliver :-)! Sophie and I sat at their bar and watched Hud and Nancy prepare a delicious meal while we talked and chatted.

Nancy also took us on a tour of their small (for American standards) but beautiful home. They have two floors: the living room and kitchen and bedrooms are on street-level, but then you go down into the basement, and there is another whole set of rooms. This is where Hud's office is. As soon as you walk in the first thing you notice is: there are bookshelves full of books everywhere. And there are books on every table, chair, and on most of the ground. And then you leave the office and go into the adjacent room -- and there are more books.

So nice to get to know someone a little better by seeing their home! By the way, there are more images of our time in Colorado on our photo blog!